Naruto's Adventures in ANBU
by peridotgardens
Summary: Maybe Naruto wasn't the best candidate for black ops...


**Naruto's Adventures in ANBU**

The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and one Naruto Uzumaki was skipping (yes, skipping) toward his favorite ramen stand. "Hehe, promotion! One step closer to becoming Hokage! This is gonna be awesome!"

He jumped onto his usual stool (_almost_ missing it and falling to the floor), and ordered his favorite dish.

"You seem even more energetic than usual. Why the sudden excitement?" asked the shop owner.

"I just got promoted to AN - _covert, Naruto, you must be covert - _er, president of the Ichiraku fan club! Yeah.."

* * *

"I just get a picture, that's it? No name, crime committed, and reason for termination? Just…kill this person…just like that?" he asked, on the verge of tears.

"Exactly like that! Did no one explain to you what 'black ops' means?" demanded Tsunade. She sighed. "Maybe I was wrong about this, and you would do better training a genin team-"

"No way! Naruto Uzumaki can handle anything!"

* * *

"Let's see...first up is Target #217. Geez, what's with this mugshot? Would it have killed him to smile a little?" He flipped the page. "Alright, last seen...headed toward the Village Hidden in the Clouds. Dammit, did it have to be the furthest village from here? This is going to take forever."

* * *

Naruto hummed to himself as he zoomed through the trees. He was quite proud of himself, as he had only gotten lost twice (how was he supposed to find the village "hidden in clouds" when the damn things kept moving around?). Not bad for someone who doesn't have special eyes, ninja dogs, or a heightened sense of smell. And, um, whatever it is the bugs do.

* * *

Time to identify the target.

Naruto was careful to dress in a way that wouldn't draw attention. The headband was packed away, ninja tools concealed in his oversize camouflage-patterned jacket, and a pair sunglasses (despite the fact that the sun had set hours ago). Mud was smeared on his face and hair, functioning to both cover his scars and help blend in with the foliage. His pants were...still orange, but it's a darker orange, okay? Much more inconspicuous than the usual neon color!

He didn't seem to realize, as he walked down the crowded street, that he was getting even more stares and strange looks thrown his way than usual.

"Talk about a senbon in a haystack...how am I supposed to find this guy?"

Two kids running past, no.  
A woman buying a scarf from a vendor, no.  
The vendor, no.  
A shady-looking man holding a briefcase and looking around nervously, no.  
A dog chasing a squirrel, no.

Wait a minute.

Naruto pulled out the picture. _That's the guy! But I can't just kill him, he might have friends and family who will miss him! And he might not _really_ be a danger to Konoha. Maybe he was framed. Maybe he had a good reason. I'll get to the bottom of this!_

_And_, he smiled to himself, _I get to use my snazzy new alias._

"Hi there! What's your name? What are you doing? What's in the briefcase?" Naruto poked the briefcase a few times before the man snatched it away.

"Get lost, kid!"

"No way! Not until I show you the error of your ways!"

The man frowned. "The error of my…just who do you think you are?"

"I'm glad you asked. I'm Pork Whirlpool, nice to meet you!" Naruto grinned and extended his hand, a kunai falling out of his coat in the process.

"Oh no!" he bent down to pick it up, while his target took the opportunity to flee the scene.

"Hey!", he yelled, "No one gets away from Nar-er, Pork Whirlpool!"

* * *

#217 soon found himself staring into a glowing ball of, um, something in Mr. Whirlpool's right hand, with clones on all sides of him, preventing all escape.

"So," Naruto started, "my superiors have instructed me to shove this" – he gestures to the Rasengan – "through your face. Now, I don't want to do this, but if it's to protect my village, I will. Lucky for you, I happen to believe that anyone's soul can be saved, no matter how evil they may appear to be. Now repent your sins, and maybe I'll let you off with community service."

Truthfully, #217 had been selling Konoha secrets to the highest bidder, but hey, Whirlpool didn't need to know that.

"Listen, I was just the messenger! I don't know what's in that case or who it was meant for, I was just told to give it to the person with the correct password! I have nothing to do with it, I swear!"

Naruto looked unimpressed. "Really? Then why are you on my list of threats to Konoha? Why do they want you dead?"

"Well, I owe a debt to a guy, and part of my repayment was to act as his guide while travelling, as I'm quite familiar with various lands. Well, we may have come across some Leaf ninja, and some things may have been said…threats may have been made…one of them may have been stabbed fatally…but it wasn't me! I was just in the, uh, general vicinity."

"I see. Go on…"

* * *

Several hours later…

"..and then, I painted all over the faces on Hokage mountain!" Both Naruto and the man were doubled over with laughter.

"You didn't!"

"Oh, I totally did! And that wasn't even the best part…you know, you're pretty cool Mister, umm, what's your name again?"

"Don't you have my name on that list of yours?"

Naruto shrugged. "No, I don't think they want us knowing too much about the people we're supposed to kill. But there's no way I'm killing you, you're my friend! And as my friend, I think I should know your name."

The man glanced around at his surroundings, noting a few trees, some weeds, some rocks…"Bush! I'm George Bush."

"Well, it's good to meet you, Mr. Bush! I wish I could hang out for a few days, but I need to report back to Konoha. But next time I'm in town, I'll be sure to look you up!"

* * *

"Tsunade-sama! Are you sure it was a good idea to send Naruto alone? This is his first ANBU mission, he really should be with a group."

"Have some faith, Shizune! Naruto is a great ninja. Besides, his first assignment hasn't been even trained as a ninja. He shouldn't have any trouble," Tsunade replied.

* * *

Naruto burst through the door of the Hokage tower.

"Granny! I'm ready for my next mission!" he shouted.

"And you've completed the last mission with no trouble?"

He nodded.

"Well, I'm impressed, Naruto. Good to know you have no qualms about killing to protect loved ones," she said.

"Oh no, I didn't kill George Bush. He's a good guy, and definitely will not be a threat to Konoha any longer."

"You didn't kill George…Naruto!!!"

"What?"

* * *

Naruto stared at the three kids who were to become his students.

"Hey guys! You're going to learn all kinds of cool stuff with me as your sensei! How about we do introductions?"

They looked up, uninterested.

"Call me Pork Whirlpool."


End file.
